I love the ocean. I'm really a mermaid so there's that. I grew up on the beach. I cannot remember a summer when I didn't sleep in the sand, whether it was in Florida, Virginia Beach or Acapulco. my absolute favorite thing to do in the ocean is to float on my back and stare at the sky. to me, this is the most relaxing and peaceful place I have ever been physically and mentally. my happy place. --switch gears-- two weeks ago a good friend was willing to be my therapist for a night. he listened to all my thoughts, fears, frustrations and worries about my sister going through chemotherapy. at the end of my rant he gave me a lot of advice. he told me that I need to commit to letting myself experience every single emotion that comes into my life during this journey. this really hit me. because there are TONS of emotions going on like sometimes the injustice gets to me and I get so angry that my sister, the healthiest woman I know of, has this horrible, sickly disease sometimes I feel somber as I think about what this cancer means for her and Derek's future sometimes I feel relaxed and forget about cancer for almost an entire day sometimes I feel like I can't do anything about anything so what's the point sometimes I feel so happy and that everything is okay and is going to be okay sometimes I feel sick leaving Sarah Kay because what if she will suddenly hurts and I'm not there sometimes I feel inadequate to be caring for my sister because of my fainting disorder sometimes I feel so happy when her, Derek and I watch funny videos and laugh together sometimes it hurts my heart to see my sister so weak and in pain and then through it all sometimes I catch myself smiling the entire day because I realize we are surrounded by so much love, from our family and friends and from the Heavens. I've begun to picture my happy place (floating in the ocean--see? I'm tying it all together) when I am overwhelmed with everything. I am also committing to feeling all these emotions flow through me. The ocean waves represent this crazy hard trial we are going through and right now I'm just floating.
I won't myself bottle them up inside anymore. It hurts not only me but the relationships I have with others. It honestly is just a huge mess when they all explode at once. I'm learning how to let go and let myself feel al of these emotions, good and bad. Each of the feelings that I'm experiencing are important because they each play a part in molding me into my best self.
so there's that. now back to the ocean, let's go to the beach!