Marriage is such an intense thing once you think about it. Like you are literally connecting your entire life to someone else's. All of your baggage gets added onto their baggage and you become this huge mesh of human mistakes, hopes, dreams and flaws.
anyway so here we are.
This post is an excerpt from my journal:
Mike is gone and off in Utah without me. He flew out this morning at 6AM--I dropped him off and instantly felt the familiar empty ache explode inside of me. I fly out tomorrow morning and so we will only have been apart for like 27 hours. But still, I'm missing him.
I talked with my mom for an hour about how much we love our loves. I'm so grateful for my parent's amazing relationship and the example that they've set for me--um, but actually because of that the bar was set WAY high and I was nervous about finding a guy with whom I could have this magical, totally stoked all the time vivacious love with--BUT PRAISE HEAVENS I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!
I love that man. Mike is my man. We're about to become man and wife. What a thought. Really though when I think about becoming someone's wife for all of my entire life and eternity--it really freaks me out. I don't feel scared or nervous that it is the wrong decision, I just feel overwhelmed with how massive this decision is.
We are willingly committing to connecting our lives together under the law and under the eyes of God. I look down at my rings that Mike has given me and feel this wonderful wave of comfort and security wash over me. These rings represent a promise that Mike has made to me already--to marry me--and because I wear them I am making a promise to marry him as well.
It is so astounding to me that we are doing this!! We are so young and unwise yet feel totally comfortable about getting married. It's awesome. Mike is so great for me, he totally adores me and loves me--but he doesn't coddle or pamper me. He pushes and challenges me to become the very best version of myself. Like he literally motivates me to become self motivated hahaha it's awesome. He's real big on self reliance which I totally am too but just not sometimes. He makes me feel so loved and desired. I know that no matter how annoyed, tired or grumpy we are--he is there for me and I'm there for him.
I'm excited to go to the temple to be sealed to the love of my life for eternity! He is going to make my life so much better, and I his. I'm feeling very calm and ready to be wife and husband. There are so many things to do--like massive list of wedding stuff-- while we are in utah for the next 11 days before the wedding festivites begin! I think I should be pretty stressed out buuuuut in the end Mike and I are getting married and nothing else matters.
We are so in love. Wow, I'm so excited.
I had Monday off and the family I live with were off to Santa Cruz so I of course invited myself and we had the GREATEST beach day!
It was warm, sunny, sandy and totally chill. I love beach days when there's no rush to get home or be somewhere.
We found a dead sea lion on the beach--SO SAD.
We explored the Lighthouse on Seabright beach and it was pretty neat, the coolest part was when the waves would crash up onto the rocks. It was like a movie.
I was pretty hyper and had a ton of fun during the day, but I felt kinda sad because I know I won't be living here that much longer. Time is moving so fast! It's hard to leave somewhere you have grown to love so much.
Anyway here's the video of our day!
these thoughts have been hanging out in the back of my brain for a while....they keep popping up when I'm designing the reception....cleaning out my closet....or when I'm painting an abstract piece......and suddenly this evening I decided that they're ready for the internet so yay!
While designing my bouquet, reception decorations and bridal party colors I noticed something similar in all my inspiration photos; they all were mismatched. a little messy. effortless. imperfect.
I did some research on myself and found that all the flowers, decorations, foods, clothing, living spaces and even art that I get inspired by is imperfect yet beautifully balanced. I let my thoughts mull over about what this means....I'm most definitely not OCD about anything except maybe being late but that's just good manners right? I'm not a messy person but I am most definitely imperfect so that makes sense.
This led to more research on what this affinity for imperfectly balanced lifestyle is.....and it led me to wabi sabi.
--represents a comprehensive Japanese world view or aesthetic centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. The aesthetic is sometimes described as one of beauty that is "imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete"
I've read up on wabi-sabi and it.just.gets.me. There are so many things in my life that coincide with wabi-sabi like:
my favorite time of day: the few moments before bed. when your hair is messy and your pajamas are lopsided. you're tired from the day and excited to start dreaming. you crawl into bed in a big relaxed pile of mess.
my favorite place to be: the coast. staring off into the frothy ocean. the waves lazily roll and tumble over each other. seashells litter the sand and end up in your hair and bathing suit lining. your dirty feet get sand all over the car but you don't care cause you're happy and filled to the brim with fresh, salty air.
my new life philosophy: nothing is perfect so don't even stress about it.
I came to find that I really do love when things are effortless and imperfect; yet balanced and pleasing. I want to keep accepting imperfection in my life--no, not just accepting it, but striving for it! This is an interesting paradox to try and understand. But I hope to keep working on it my whole life.